Tips
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How to fry the perfect steak A steak is the Holy Grail of manhood, so take up the gauntlet and learn how to cook one like a trained chef. First of all, buy a fillet or sirloin steak from your local butchers and take it home, preferably securing it with a seatbelt or, better still, a baby seat. Put a pan on the heat, either a chargrill or a flat pan, get it really hot and drizzle with a little bit of olive oil. Grind some salt and pepper over the steak to season. Place it in the pan. Seal it off on one side for about one to two minutes, depending on how you want it cooked, and then turn it over. A good way of testing if the steak is cooked to your liking is to use your hand and pinch between your thumb and fingers. The softness of the fleshy part of your palm, located at the bottom of your thumb, should match the texture of the meat following these simple thumb and finger combinations.
Once cooked leave to rest for about five minutes in a warm spot before eating, this gives time for the meat to relax. Plate up and tuck into a tender steak fit for King Arthur. |
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Getting the most out of being the designated driver Whether you’re stood in the middle of the dance floor surrounded by strangers screeching Robbie William’s Angels or cowering in the corner trying to avoid the advances of a Saga subscriber one orange juiced fuelled evening is often enough to put an end to all others. However, there are ways to make those Saturday nights of sobriety a little bearable. First of all, rule with an Iron-Bru fist. You’re saving your friends countless pennies on the taxi ride home so they won’t think it’s entirely unreasonable when you want to leave a good half an hour or so before the white lights scatter everyone like vampires at dawn. Post midnight Mr Hyde will come out to play so make the most of your friends’ company at the start of the evening; get them to pay for your drinks and have fun. Being sober doesn’t mean you can’t joke or flirt. In fact, not punctuating every sentence with a belch enhances your chances. Answering the question: ‘how much can I drink and still be under the limit?’ is simple. Either don’t drink at all or, if being seen in a bar brandishing anything but a beer is tantamount to walking down your local high street naked, two 275ml bottles of 4% lager spread out over the night or a couple of pints of weak bitter shandy should quell the popular crowd. Informing the barman you’re the designated driver should ensure your drinks are measured correctly and aren’t too alcoholic as well as get you his sympathy and a pal to talk to when the rest of your party become preachy. Finally, and fundamentally, being a designated driver is doing everyone a favour; a favour which will one day be returned. Angels and all. |
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How to slow dance with confidence Unless you’re Patrick Swayze the girl of your dreams won’t be expecting you to grab her hand, say ‘Nobody puts Baby in a corner’ and run onto the dance floor like the winners of Strictly Come Dancing. However, walking on with open shoulders and a powerful stride will fill her with confidence. Once in the middle, place your right hand on the small of her back, and your left either in her right hand or on her right hip. Lead by taking slow steps rhythmically with the music. Nuzzling her neck is optional at this point but holding out for two or three songs in this romantic hold will make her heart skip a few beats. Don’t show foolish tenacity however if ‘Come on Eileen’ blasts out of the stereo, just make a run for it before the Conga starts up and you get lumbered with Old Granny Hubbard’s rear end. |
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Blagger’s guide to Rugby Sevens Rugby players have made grunting a new language but if you’re at the bottom of an involuntary thirty man pile on communicating in indiscernible syllables would be a miracle, particularly when you’ve just swallowed someone else’s foot. The gentleman’s game, however, doesn’t have to be like this. Find a clearing on a sandy beach or soft grassy field and you’ve got yourself a pitch. Follow these quick, rough around the edges, rules and you’ve got yourself a game.
In terms of tactics: stay in a line, shuffle the pack with varying lengths of passing and make the ball do the work. Before you know it you’ll be slapping buttocks in huddles and grunting like the caveman who’s just invented the wheel. |
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Urinal etiquette At the heart of urinal etiquette is self preservation. When we are naked, or at least have our willy hanging out of our trousers, we feel vulnerable. We create personal space by choosing the urinal furthest away from another man and deny our existence by ignoring the norms of society such as greeting with a nod and a smile. Effectively, we counteract the vulnerability with actions which are innate. Ingrained within us from the day when one Neanderthal man was too lazy to leave his cave, flicked up his fig leaf and relieved himself against the wall – much to the annoyance of the tribe’s cave drawing collective. The problems with our programming arise however when our sphere of safety is breached - when someone stands next to us or says ‘hello.’ We shuffle our feet. We clear our throats. But we are trapped. Caught in a Freudian field-day where small penis syndrome pervades our consciousness and no matter how much we strain that first drop of wee just won’t budge. So, here’s how to avoid the psychiatrist's couch. First of all, be empathetic to your fellow man. If the bathroom is empty choose one of the end urinals. Don’t waste time; toilets are a bodily function conveyer-belt not an art gallery, unless of course you’re visiting an exhibition featuring Marcel Duchamp’s famous Fountain. In which case you better keep that zipper up unless you’ve prepared a ‘why pissing on a piece of art which claims not to be art is art’ argument. Use the cubicles if they’re vacant. If you have to wait for one don’t bother pretending to wash your hands or do your hair, just stand there, everyone knows you’re waiting for a cubicle to become free anyway. Control the power, backsplash is embarrassing enough on your own shirt let alone your boss’s. Chancing a glance won’t cure your concerns. Sinks are for washing your hands – you’re not in your halls of residence now – and when you shake remember you’re holding your penis not a sparkler and don’t try and write your name. A visit to the urinals is already enough of a psychological minefield. A human Catherine Wheel could spark the end of the world. |
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How to stop staring at other women Sex is everywhere. It sells, it buys, it even exchanges birthday presents the recipient already had. So, unless you walk around wearing a blindfold, doing your best impression of Mr. Bump, you’re going to encounter attractive females. If you go running every evening to see what’s on the menu in the park you’re exploiting the sexuality this world has to offer. Ask yourself this simple question: If you saw your girlfriend running would you perv at her? If the answer is yes then ask her to join you, after all you wouldn’t buy the same book twice. If the answer is no you’re probably in the wrong relationship or overdue a visit from the ogle police. Either way you need to take action. Administer your own beating and wear an elastic band around your wrist, snapping it every time you take a cheeky peek. Channel your horn through another source like cycling or swimming or partake in the rather drastic deed of picturing the girl you’re looking at taking an extremely painstaking, time-consuming, face-contorting grunt. Less graphic and more productive however is to learn to appreciate what you’ve got. Text her a nice message at work and be more forgiving after arguments. At the end of the day, it’s natural to find other girls attractive but a little self-destructive to act on the urges that often follow. Imagining having sex with a stranger isn’t conducive to a healthy relationship, let alone a healthy heart. |
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How to remove a spot before a first date Bull’s bile, ostrich eggs, olive oil, plant resin, flour and milk spread all over your face. Ancient Egyptians really knew how to treat themselves, especially when acne was concerned, and they’re not the only ones. Americans spend $100 million each year on ‘zits.’ So, what is a spot? Our skin has tiny pores which contain glands which secrete grease called sebum. Spots form when one of these pores is blocked up, either with dead skin cells or leftover sebum. Whiteheads are plugged up deep down and are larger, redder and sorer and often yellow capped. Blackheads are blocked at the pores entrance and are tiny, less sensitive and black capped. Redness and yellow puss forms when bacteria, living on the surface of our skin, get caught in the blocked pore. Both can be prevented by washing your face frequently with cold water, not in the shower, and applying a spot care product like Clearasil. Moisturizing everyday also re-hydrates the skin; you can even steam your face by holding it over some hot water with a towel as this unclogs your pores. Drinking water and not eating fatty foods all the time also helps. If you still find yourself fending off the pen wielding dot-to-dot fanatics you’re going to have to get squeezing. Clean your hands first and don’t apply silly amounts of pressure. Pricking them with a needle might also help but beware white heads are much more entrenched and rarely split open, they mostly get more irritated and redder so harm reduction is what’s needed. Grab a flannel, soak it in hot water – not boiling you don’t want to burn your face off – and push it hard against the spot. This will reduce the soreness and make it less visible. To avoid getting a scar get a piece of cotton wool, dip it in fresh lime juice or tea tree oil and clean the spot. This will really sting but it's better than getting your hands on a bull's spleen. |
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How to show your mum how iTunes works without strangling her with a USB cord There’s no doubting that mothers are the greatest thing since sliced bread, in fact, they probably sliced the bread in the first place. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t moments in our lives when we would sooner starve than give them a helping hand. These situations normally involve technology and more specifically, computers.
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How to get served at a busy bar In France, committing a crime of passion can result in a lighter jail sentence. In Britain, there is no such thing. But what could be a more passionate affair than that of a Brit and his beer? Judicial difference aside there is a formula to getting served at a busy bar. The first thing to do is find the least busiest part of the bar away from the pumps. Situate yourself behind someone who’s being served and as they turn and leave shoot your arm through the crowd, grab onto the bar, and pull yourself through the gap. Next, gently ease your shoulders into the gap so you are standing facing the bar. Now, get the barman’s attention. Don’t shout like you’re head’s on fire just be patient and concentrate. A moment will arise when the barman finishes serving someone and looks up for his next customer, that’s the moment you strike. With a big smile on your face, raise your eyebrows and make eye contact. Once he’s looking at you, in a kind and friendly voice, give him your order. Soon enough you’ll be supping your nice cold beer safe in the knowledge you didn’t have to kill anyone to get it. |
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Saving money on car maintenance Mechaphillia. A sexual attraction to machines. An effortless gear change from leather bound seats, this deviant desire has had proud owners locking up their exhaust pipes since the Model T Ford hit the showroom floor. Look after, don’t love. General maintenance first. Make sure the rubber on the wiper blades isn’t splitting; the exposed metal could scratch your windscreen and you’ll need a new one. Most petrol stations have a sign on the wall telling you each car make’s tyre pressure, if you keep them at this you’ll use less fuel. The little dents in the tyre, the tread, should be 1.6 millimetres deep. You can check this by getting a 10p coin and putting it in the hole. If you can see the tiny dots the tyre is illegal and could cost you £1000. Wash the wheel arches with a pressure washer as this will prevent the build up of mud which attracts moisture which turns to rust. Now for a few reminders. Get a service every 15,000 miles and after every new set of tyres get a wheel alignment check so they’ll wear evenly and last longer. You also need to get a new cam belt about every 70,000 miles so keep an eye on the counter. In winter, mix anti-freeze with the water in the windscreen washers and frequently check the engine’s water in the summer months. Finally, remember to check your oil regularly – park on a flat service, pull the dipstick out, wipe it clean, put it back in and pull it back out again and see what the level is. There are lines showing min and max; it should always be just below max. Maintain and refrain. |
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How to split up with your girlfriend without being a complete bastard Whether you’re sat in a stuffy car interior scattered with fast-food cartons or stood on a rain-soaked pavement mirroring the stars the scene of relationships’ endings are never glamorous and nor is the part you’ll play as the executioner of love. However, you can limit the length her heart will remain broken by being straight from the start. Don’t um and ah your way out of it, uncertainly is just unfair. Be brave and do it face to face not by email, not by phone and, heaven forbid, not by text. UR DUMPED BCOZ I 8T U. B8CH. Don’t take her to a flash restaurant and do the deed in front of the whole world, choose neutral ground. Now comes the bit where you have to explain and you do have to explain. Don’t be mean, don’t ask to be friends, don’t lead her on, give her all her stuff back, don’t get drawn into a circle of abuse, don’t say ‘it’s me not you’ – even if it is. Saying you can’t handle a relationship at the present moment will normally result in them saying ‘I’ll wait.’ Tell them you’re not worth it. Don’t give the hope that one day her time will come because it won’t and you know it. Just explain why you don’t want to be with her anymore; unless it’s something shallow like the size of her breasts, in which case you really should re-assess your judgement method. If you’re really struggling for words try: ‘I think you’re a lovely girl but we’re just not compatible. You’d be better suited to someone who can really appreciate the person you are deep down.’ Straight from the Casanova school of let downs. At the end of the day if you don’t really love her or want to be with her you’re doing the right thing and hopefully she’ll take it in a dignified manner. If you awake to a doll’s head in your bed or a burning effigy of your penis on the front lawn you know she hasn’t. Psycho ex’s are a rare species and should be treated with the utmost care so don’t antagonise or provoke. Handle it for as long as you can and then, when it gets to the point when you’re going to jump off a cliff, don’t answer her calls. Attention seeking, when ignored, will dissipate just don’t undo what you’ve done with fumbles under the night dress or conversations over the phone. Post-split girls always look a lot hotter than they did when you were going out so, be warned, you’ll probably want her back the next time you see her. But keep your desire locked deep down inside and, even if you do, don’t tell her you still love her. Breaking someone’s heart is hard enough the first time; having to do it twice might just break yours as well. |
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How to survive your first Starbucks experience When you first enter a Starbucks the bright lights and happy people will be enough to make you feel nauseous so the quicker you order the sooner you leave.
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How to put up shelves like a superhero Hollywood’s new forte for retelling fairy tales with a modern day twist isn’t as popular this side of the pond. We British like our stories a little dog-eared, a little worn by the winds of time. We prepare a little dirt to a little shine. Just look at Eastenders. Our cultural diet is low in drama because we get our fill from other quarters. Quarters less glamorous than the star sprinkled studios and red carpets. Let’s face it, the British can make a trip to B&Q as explosive as all four Die Hards rolled into one. From wonky trolley wheels to tumbling timber DIY is the Disney of our nation. After the midday match and before the Saturday night steak the quest for the Excalibur of the toolbox must begin. We wade into the treacherous garage, plunge our hand into the sea of dust, clutch the handle and pull, as if from stone, the screwdriver which will lead the way in the almighty quest of putting up the shelves. Time to tool up. You need a screwdriver, hammer, screws, raw plugs, shelf, brackets, pencil and spirit level. Next, choose the wall, preferably one with few electrical plugs near by as this will reduce the chances of there being electrical wires in the wall. Next, place the shelf against the wall and mark its edges with your pencil. Hold one bracket up, a few inches in from your original mark, and mark the position of the holes. Take the bracket away and drill two holes in the wall. Next, using a hammer, tap a raw plug into each hole. Place the bracket back over and screw the screws in so it stays still but not too tightly. Hold the other bracket in place and rest the shelf across both brackets. Place the level on the shelf and adjust the trajectory of the left hand bracket until the bubble is in the middle of the level. Once you’re happy, dot a mark in the holes of the other bracket with your pencil. Take the shelf and level away and screw in the other bracket as before, without forgetting the raw plugs and starting with the lower hole. Checking with the level again, step back to see if the symmetry is correct. One last wiggle and then add the top screw and tighten all four flush with the wall. Last but not least, vertically screw the shelf into the brackets and your new display area will be ready to hold your prized Disney films and Die Hard Box set. |
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How to give the perfect speech Winston Churchill might have been a great orator but he is not a great role model for your first public speech. After all you don’t want to send the wedding guests or business partners to the buffet with a war cry echoing inside their heads. The key to a good speech is preparation. Write one two weeks before the day and read it out to a friend. You might read too fast or write too convoluted so give yourself time to adjust and get it right. The speech should be between three and ten minutes depending on the subject and situation. Being commissioned a three hour seminar on hydroponics and only delivering a five minute introduction might get you the sack so be wary of what you have to fit in and in what order. For example, wedding speeches traditionally include a BAFTA inspired list of thank yous whereas funerals require a heartfelt dedication and earnest appraisal of the deceased. When it comes to the actual delivery read from the text but engage your audience by looking up every now and again and you’ll soon be sat back down with a crescendo of applause ringing around your ears. |
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How to buy your girlfriend lingerie without looking like a pervert Navigating your way through the lingerie section of a clothes shop is like walking through a minefield so when you commit to buying your girlfriend lingerie understand this: you might also, if you buy her something her Grandma might wear, be committing yourself to a life as a bachelor.
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How Members of Parliament represent you Members of Parliament don’t just claim exuberant expenses for prawn sandwiches or engage in deviant sexual practices on the streets of Soho, they also represent the public, raise issues and spark debate. They do this by questioning Government ministers, giving speeches on varying subjects or even starting petitions. This is where you come in. MPs decide upon the issues they champion by having surgeries – meetings when the public can inform their parliamentary representative of any local concerns, from car park charges to school closures. Jack Straw, member of the Labour frontbench, famously holds surgeries on a park bench in his home town of Blackburn. The MP is then free to take up any of these concerns with the local council by giving them a bit of a kick of the arse or, if they deem it needs national attention, pushing for answers from the government. Ministers are required to answer any questions asked of them, either during the half hour adjournment at the end of each day’s parliamentary sitting – MPs are randomly chosen by a ballot or by the Speaker on Thursdays – or by a request written in Hansard, the official font of the houses of Parliament. Private Member’s Bills also spark debate, whether it’s for a whole day, as are seven randomly selected subjects each year, ten minute speeches attempting to gain support or a brief presentation pointing out the issue. These bills can sometimes become law but very rarely do; they merely serve as a way of putting the subject somewhere on the political map, which in turn could inform the media which then informs the public. Pressure from these quarters could even force the government to act. Parliament may seem a laborious process, and many valuable debates do get lost to the ticking of Big Ben and the indiscernible small print, but given time and effort, as well as liaisons with your local MP, campaigns can happen and things can change. |
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Blagger's guide to apprentice slang Whether your trade is plumbing, labouring, mechanics or retail being the brunt of the jokes whilst you’re an apprentice is part of your rites of passage to becoming a major player in the company’s future.
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Festival essentials As the summer sun rises and the days roll along as one it’s only a matter of time before festival season arrives. So forget about fashion and think about necessity. The obvious ones first: tent, sleeping bag, clothes, lighter, water in a container, Wellington boots and/or old trainers, rain proof anorak, hat, money, sun lotion, penknife, condoms, torch, loo roll, toothpaste and toothbrush and wet wipes. If you’ve still got room consider these: a battery powered radio to keep the music going when the lights go out, some firewood and firelighters – so you don’t spend three hours in a drunken haze rubbing two sticks together – and a cooking stove and pan for those morning fry-ups. Take some bin bags; their uses are endless. Cut a hole for your head and make a poncho, use them as a waterproof mat, or just keep your spare clothes dry. Take two jumpers and put one in a pillowcase to use as a pillow and take something to make your tent stand out. A distinct flag from a rare country will work, but be prepared to meet some strange people. Mind you, that’s what festivals are all about. |
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Walkthrough guide to visiting a GUM clinic Banish all those mental images of a man in a white coat stepping out from behind a curtain and cackling ‘I call this one the colonel!’ Going for an STD check up isn’t half as exciting as that. It's quite boring as well as quite simple. Phone up and book an appointment at your nearest clinic. You should be able to get one within two days. They’ll give you a time, take your name, date of birth and postcode. If you can’t see how to get to the clinic online don’t be afraid to ask for directions, they’ll be happy to help. Don’t go to the loo for at least two hours before your appointment and once there, follow the signs for ‘GUM clinic’ straight to reception and say you’ve got an appointment. They’ll ask you for your name and if you’ve consulted your GP about this visit as well as whether you’ve got any symptoms. These last two questions are just for their records so simply answer yes or no; you don’t have to describe a wart on your willy in front of a roomful of strangers. Next, they’ll ask you to confirm your phone number, your address, post code and ask you for your occupation. Finally, they’ll give you a card with a number on it and ask you to take a seat. Before long the nurse will call your number and it will be your turn. The nurse will ask you to confirm your name again and tell you the name of the doctor you’re seeing. She’ll also ask you how you would like to be contacted once they have the results of your tests. You can choose: by phone, mobile or home, letter or sometimes even text. You’ll then be shown to a room. Once inside, you’ll be asked a series of questions by the doctor. When he or she asks you if you’ve got any symptoms this is a good time to declare any warts or swellings because the doctors won’t look for herpes or genital warts unless you declare the symptoms. However, don’t confuse Fordyce spots for warts. Warts are craggy whereas Fordyce spots look like little pimples and are common in a lot of men. Next they’ll take you over to the chair and ask you to lower your trousers and pants. Now, be prepared for a shock when you look down because your willy will look like the end of a very sorry sausage and your scrotum will resemble the last walnut in the bowl at Christmas. The doctor will then ask you to pull your foreskin back, if you have one, and take a swab from inside your penis. This can be a little painful and feels like scraping but it only takes a second or two. They will then smear some of the swab onto a glass slide and place the swab in a jar for testing; the swab test is for gonorrhea, which is treated with antibiotic tablets if found. This is the only result given on the day. Next up, is the urine test – that’s something you’ll never hear on Gladiators. The doctor and nurse will leave you alone with a little plastic cup which you have to fill up half way. There will normally be a urinal located in the room however, don’t hesitate to ask to use a cubicle out in the corridor – they’ll even give you a brown paper bag to make sure any extremely parched patients don’t mistake your urine for a cup of fresh apple juice. This test is for chlamydia. When you’re finished you’ll be asked a few more questions by the doctor. These include: past relationships, the last time you had sex, the last time you went for a piss, whether you’ve had sex with someone abroad, how many sexual partners you’ve had and whether you’ve had same sex intercourse. Answer these questions truthfully, no matter how embarrassing, because it makes the doctors job a whole lot easier. You’ll then say goodbye and go back out to the waiting room until you get called, by the number on your card again, to give a blood sample. This sample is to test for HIV and Hepatitis B and will be taken by you lying on a coach, a cord will be tied around your arm, you’ll clench your fist and the nurse will prick a vein with a needle and take a tube of blood. This is the last act of the session and after this you are free to go. If there are any problems with your results the clinic will contact you within a week, however it can sometimes take up to two weeks so don’t panic after seven days. No news is good news and most STDs can be treated with antibiotic tablets or a series of injections. Hep B and HIV have other methods of treatment but the doctor will take you through these extensively if required. www.tht.org.uk/howwecanhelpyou/clinics/ |
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Blagger's guide to wine Between the ages of ten and sixteen drinking alcohol involves tentatively sipping a bottle of White Lightening on a park bench or unlocking the drinks cabinet, checking the cylindrical and rectangular bottles for permanent marker pen, and filling up a plastic one with a harlequin concoction Grotbags would be proud of. Post-sixteen, girls enter the fray and it’s learn your wine time. The key is to compliment the flavours and substance of your meal. For example, traditional English pub grub is usually a hearty meaty affair so go for a full-bodied red like Cabernet Sauvignon or Rioja. Seafood and white meats favour dry, crisp whites like Pinot Grigio or Muscadet. Pasta, rice or pizzas absorb the flavours around them so match the wine with the ingredients. A mushroom sauce is light and delicate whereas a nineteen inch deep pan meat feast pizza is heavy so use your noggin. Fruity wines, like most Roses, match a citrus meal such as Thai and sparkling wines, like Cava, have acidity which stands up to the fat of greasy foods such as Chinese. If you’re still confused follow this simple rule. White wines work best with fish and chicken and red wines with red meat. However, don’t be afraid to experiment. Blue Nun and oysters or Burger King and Champagne might not be traditional but it’s your palate so it's your rules. Mum and Dad: marker pens at the ready. It looks like someone’s been at the Merlot. |
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How to beat BO Returning to the gym’s changing room to discover a man in a radioactive suit brandishing a pair of your glowing Y-Fronts is not a joyous experience, even if your favourite TV show is Doctor Who. Like all your enemies, you have to know what makes BO tick to defeat it. Body odour comes from friendly bacteria munching on sweat and oils. The bacteria has to stay because it’s reducing the chances of infections taking hold all over our bodies, but we do want to limit the amount of lunch it has, in other words we want to limit the amount of sweat and oil our bodies produce. So, from head to toe, this is what you do.
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How to survive sleeping rough for a nightFor some people bus stops and bushes are more than just high street furniture, they’re a makeshift bed. Sleeping with only the twinkling of the stars for company is thought to be endured by up to as many as 75,000 young people every night in Britain and if you’re careless with your house keys, fall foul of your backdoor latch or miss the last train home you’ll be living in their street under their rules. Think of safety first. Find somewhere sheltered from the wind and rain; preferably somewhere you won’t be spotted but not too far from civilization. Don’t trust anyone you don’t know and keep any items you own in your pockets. Keeping warm is the next most important thing so avoid sleeping directly on the ground with a hub cap for a pillow and bed down with some cardboard or newspapers. Try and cover you hands, feet and head as body heat escapes these places first. Once morning breaks you’ll return home covered in grass stains and dopey eyed but the next time you pass someone on the streets you’ll be able to empathise with their plight and flip them a thought, let alone a coin. http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/advice_for_young_people |
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How to fart in front of your girlfriend Read any relationship’s small print and you’ll find the unwritten rule declaring the right to fart once the honeymoon’s over. However, two whole months of excessive clenching can be detrimental to your health, let alone result in a Riverdance leg movement resembling a seizure of some kind. Here’s how to break wind without breaking the rules. Outside. Secure separation from your loved one and let the bountiful British breeze do the rest. Don’t, no matter how tempting, cock your leg like a Jack Russell under his favourite tree, and trumpet the first verse of the Last Post. Indoors. Go covert. Excuse yourself, go to the room which is furthest away from where you are, open a window and relax. Don’t drop your trousers, squeeze your buttocks between the frame and announce yourself loudly to her neighbours and if you choose the toilet be warned. A silent squeaker can often sound like a bomb blast reddening your cheeks and ruining your chances. Watch what you eat. Scoffing a bean burrito and expecting the jungle to be free of rumble is noxious naivety. Get a dog. Book-ending every sulphuric stencher with a lift of the t-shirt and a muffled ‘Buuuuuuusteeeeeeeeeeer’ like a highwayman with a speech impediment will completely absolve you of responsibility. Just be prepared for the ménage a trios avec chien. Last but not least, embrace your bowel movements and introduce a 'Dutch Oven' into your midnight playground. Fart, lift the bed covers over her head and, at the top of your voice, yell ‘Death to the honeymoon.’ Not even a pack of flatulent wolves could get you out of that one. |
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How to iron a shirt like your mum From fisherman’s wives to bachelors running late for the office the art of ironing a shirt is one which once mastered never fades like a cheap short-sleever bought in the sale. Here’s how to do it the good old fashioned way. Switch the iron on and allow to warm. If it’s a steam iron, fill the water reservoir. Most shirts are made of cotton and iron better when slightly damp and at a high heat so select steam and the highest heat to give a crisper finish. If your shirt is dry spray with water, roll up and leave to rest for ten minutes or so. If it’s a dark colour iron inside out to save the brightness and if it is white make sure the iron is clean so you don’t mark the innocent pallor of your shirt. Next, begin ironing.
To ensure the best iron, hang the shirt up on a hanger with the top button done up as this replicates the shape of the shirt when you wear it. |
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How to down a pint without being sick Downing a pint in a pub can often lead to all subsequent drinks being bought for you. Get it wrong however and you can find yourself covered in vomit and laughed at by strangers on the street. So if you want to take it on don’t try to be a hero. First of all choose the beer yourself. Don’t go for something too strong, cold or fizzy and let it settle for a while on the bar. When it’s time, approach it like a man. Pick it up, tip your head back and slowly but surely take mouthful after mouthful until it’s all down. Don’t worry if people tell you to hurry up just do it in your own time; a pint’s a pint no matter how long it takes to go down. Take it slow and reap the rewards. |
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How to control your aggression in a relationship Boys seem to spend half of their time daydreaming about fighting off a gang of Chinese triads or rescuing the coolest girl in school from a group of terrorists hell bent on ruining assembly. These imaginings are innocent but violence is undeniably a part of every man’s existence. It affects how we view other men, how we view our bodies and even how we view masculinity as a whole. But strength doesn’t have to be about muscles or power or violence. Inner strength is far more powerful than any external force. However, when the love of our life, the one person who knows all our secrets and flaws, rips apart our soul right in front of our eyes violence can often be the language we use to express ourselves. It’s understandable that we want to control that situation, but it’s completely unacceptable to do it via force. Once you start on that path it’s very hard to get off and if things become premeditated there really is no return. Here’s some methods used in anger management courses throughout the world to stop that punch before it’s even pulled back.
Getting aggressive in a relationship happens to many young men but don’t make the mistake of not accepting you’ve got a problem. Ensure you’re doing your best to control your anger because if you don’t, one day, you’re life could change forever, and you with it. http://respect.client.fatbeehive.com/pages/male_perpetrators.html |
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How to undo a bra with one handMen made walls to keep out armies, men made levees to keep out floods, women made bras to keep out men. But those walls have been breached and those levees broken and now, with one hand, those bras will be removed. First off, mid-kiss, get your left-hand under her shirt and find the back of her bra. Run your fingertips along the strap until you find the 3-5cms of rough fabric situated in the middle. This is the clasp you’re going to have to undo; it is made up of hooks and eyelets. Your job is to move the hooks from the left to the right so slide your middle finger underneath the right side of the clasp, with your nail facing her skin, from the top down. Next, pulling the strap out ever so slightly – tact is required here, flicking a girl in the back will get you slapped – get your thumb and place it on the other side of the clasp, over, not underneath, the strap. Finally, rub your thumb and middle finger together like you’re clicking you’re fingers and the clasp should come undone. Take a bow; the bra is defeated. |
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How to hold chopsticks like Mr. Miyagi Customs are strange and wonderful things. In Britain using the last dregs of gravy or pinching the last Yorkshire pudding when you’ve already had the obligatory two might mean your host doesn’t offer you any pork scratching the next time you pop round for a roast. Get your wires, or more specifically chopsticks, crossed in China however and you could be giving everyone around the table the sign of death. The people of Japan, China, Korea, Vietnam and Taiwan eat using chopsticks; that’s a lot of disappointed people if you always ask for a fork. Joining their ranks is simple-ish. Picking up one chopstick like a pencil push the broad end down into the V of skin where your thumb meets your index finger and drop the narrow end down a finger so that it rests against the side of your end knuckle. It should fit their snugly and firmly. Pick up the second chopstick with your index finger and middle finger using your thumb to hold it in place. Adjust until their ends are touching and even. When you start to eat the bottom chopstick should always stay still and the top chopstick should pivot. This is done by slowly moving the knuckle joint at the end of your middle finger; straighten to widen and bend inwards to clamp together. Only move your thumb when you need to realign the chopsticks. A few more things to consider. Never cross either ends of the chopsticks; the motion of opening and closing should always be a steady one. Picking up food should be done gently, don’t apply too much pressure. When taking from communal bowls use the broad ends of the chopsticks so you don’t pass on the germs from your mouth. When eating rice either shovel or pack it together into a small cube. Don’t be afraid to lift the bowl up to below your chin. Don’t lick, stab, rake or point your chopsticks, however, rather strangely slurping is OK. Customs can be confusing but they unite the present with the past, and not sharing that past is no excuse not to share traditions. |
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How to pull the perfect sickie Forget all those Kung Fu movies you’ve seen where the master has a long wispy beard and a balding head. The true master of speed and deception wears a suit and tie. Gentlemen, behold the art of the sickie. The day before you plan to pull one go into work a lot quieter than usual. As the day drags towards lunch begin to act out your chosen illness. Cough, wince when you swallow or visit the toilet every hour, but don’t overdo it; spending the whole afternoon in the loo will arouse the wrong kind of suspicion. At the end of the day your colleagues will notice you’re ‘not yourself’ and ask how you are. A simple ‘I don’t feel great if I’m honest’ will do and when you leave be sure to say ‘See you tomorrow’ before you go. The next morning make the phone call to work. Talk directly to your manager and sound like you’re ill. Go into detail, ‘It’s coming out both ends and it just won’t stop’ will do the trick, but make sure it matches the illness you feigned the previous day. Offer to have your work sent to you via email. The manager will decline, but he’ll think you’re a dedicated member of the workforce and not, as is the truth, a lowly skiver. You can spend the rest of the day doing whatever you like just don’t go anywhere near your place of work; that’s just pull-a-sickie-suicide. The next day act like you did the day you set the sickie up just switch it round. Act ill in the morning and then by the end of the day leave with a spring in your step and a smile on your face. |
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How to clean your bathroom, toilet and shower in a quarter of an hour Marigolds. The connoisseur of the bathroom cleaners’ first line of defence against the evil forces of the porcelain bus. They should be slapped against the wall like an Earl’s glove to the face of his duelling nemesis. Pulled on like the King’s jewel incrusted gauntlets. Cherished until the war is won and then discarded, removed inside out like a disembowelled Sooty, and never ever used to do the washing up. The rules of the marigold are a simple affair and so too are the steps to achieving a showroom bathroom in fifteen minutes.
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How to tell if you’re falling in love If you wake up every morning with butterflies in your stomach and a plank of wood in your underpants you’re probably in love. Either that or you’ve got on the wrong side of a carpenter with a keen interest in lepidopterans. The signs to look out for include: Spending every waking hour together. Being mesmerized by her presence, don’t confuse this with infatuation; it should be a two way thing. You’ll talk at night for what feels like an eternity – in a good way. You won’t want to leave their side but not in an obsessive, possessive stalker way. A snog will be better than having full blown sex with a stranger. You’ll be finding different sides to their personality all the time and you’ll fall in love with each of them no matter how grumpy, strange or childlike. Ultimately, love is different to everyone but when you meet that special someone it will feel like you’re hanging out with all your best friends at once and you’ll want to show them everything from your favorite movies to your favourite moves in bed. Fundamentally, thinking about them will make you smile uncontrollably, who knows what you’ll do if you receive a text? |
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How to out buff a film buff when you know nothing about film There’s nothing more annoying than a film buff chatting up the same girl as you, impressing her with his knowledge of Ingmar Bergman’s The Seventh Seal. So rather than embarrassing yourself and quoting Police Academy 3 here’s how to keep up with the conversation and win back her attention. The chances are the film buff will mention at least one of the following directors and even if he doesn’t you’ll blow him away with these cinematic pearls of wisdom.
Congratulations you’ve out buffed a film buff without resorting to violence. |
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What to look for when you buy your first second-hand carCar’s are like children. You clean them, care for them and christen them - although clambering over the handbrake and withering with embarrassment as the hazard lights alert everyone in the McDonald’s car park of your presence is not quite as ceremonious as the church’s effort. All the same, making the relationship last requires dedication from the start. Check the car thoroughly, walking around with a clipboard and checklist is probably going too far, but work from the bottom up. The tyres should have good tread depth, no bald patches or bulges. Check for rust damage, the wheel arches are particularly susceptible so get down on your hunches and get a good look. Check the interior for tears, rips and scratches and make sure the mileage corresponds with the car’s condition. If there’s low mileage but the steering wheel is shiny and the foot pedals are worn the car has probably done more miles than are on show. Check there’s a back catalogue of MOT stamps or certificates in the log book. If there isn’t a log book or manual don’t be afraid to ask for a discount and that goes for everything else as well. Not everyone’s as dodgy as Del Boy but having a haggle is just part of the process. Finally, if everything’s in order, take your new baby for a test spin and if the driving glove fits pay the man his money and shake his hand. McDonald’s at midnight here you come. |
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How to test for testicular cancer The phrase ‘I know it like the back of my hand’ should, for this instance at least, be replaced with ‘I know it like the back of my scrotum’ because if you’re going to safeguard against testicular cancer you’re going to have to familiarise yourself with your balls. Notice how one differs from the other, it hangs lower or is larger, and note their usual weight and shape. This is the key to noticing any major differences in the future. Check them once a month after a warm bath or shower. Lift your right leg onto something like the sink – bathroom not kitchen – and using the hand you don’t write with gently cup your right testis. Then, using your other hand, roll your ball between your thumb, forefinger and index finger. Swap legs and do the left testis. You’ll notice a soft bump at the top and back of each testis: this is a tube called the epididymis. Other than these two bumps there should be no lumps or swellings. However, if you think you have found a hard, bone-like lump don’t panic. First of all compare it with the other testis – it’s very rare for cancer to develop in both testicles at the same time. If there isn’t a similar feeling lump in the same place make an appointment with your doctor and he’ll check it for you. If you’re feeling shy about this, don’t. A doctor has seen a lot of willies so he’s not going to take one look at yours and laugh. However, if he does laugh he’s probably not a doctor and you should leave the ‘Doctor’s Surgery’ right away. |
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How to engineer a threesome Benito Mussolini. Italian dictator, fascist leader, scaredy cat. The day before his triumphant march on Rome, the coup d’etat which shifted power into his hands, Mussolini booked a train ticket to Austria should his intimidation not succeed. Announcing this to the crowd upon his arrival wouldn’t have roused the troops but this live-to-fight-another-day mentality was indicative of Mussolini’s opportunism. He rode his luck, took his chances and rose to power and that’s the perfect formula for three-in-a-bed fireworks. Be lucky. Getting accosted by two women who aren’t police officers is rare, but if Lady Luck provides you with the opportunity don’t miss your chance. Kiss both women in quick succession and read their reactions. You’ll know if they’re disgusted because the barman will be handing you back your cheek. If you remain unblemished however, jokingly suggest taking them home. No means no but a timid smile or an eager grin and you’re in. Get a taxi and go home or to a hotel immediately. Not your parent’s house. Once in private things will take their natural course just use protection and don’t narrate - it’s not Jackanory. Got a girlfriend? You’re half way there. Tactfully discuss fantasies but remember, have a get out clause. If she’s not interested turn your fantasy as tame as a domesticated caged budgie and move onto what’s on the box instead of what’s in your pants. If she is don’t start drawing diagrams, this is a threesome not a Blue Peter project so be patient. Searching for a third party should be a shared experience. The internet enables you to break the boundaries together and in a secure environment. Just remember – you’re not buying a chicken in Sainsbury’s you’re looking for someone to welcome into your bed. Once you’ve found someone get to know one another for a week or so via email and eventually, when the time’s right, invite her over. She’ll be as nervous as you so don’t welcome her in with a camera crew, pop open a bottle of wine and go with the flow. Threesomes are great fun but they can ruin relationships. Make sure your girlfriend’s not doing something she doesn’t want to just to please you or you might suffer a fate worse than Mussolini: having your penis cut off and stuffed in your mouth. Celebratory cigar anyone? |
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How to give a massage like a trained masseuse A great gateway to showing someone your love a massage relieves the tension of a long day as well as a long courtship. Just think how skint J.K Rowling would be if Ron had kneaded Hermione’s back once in while; with those two off canoodling in the corner Harry would’ve been dead after the first chapter. Setting the scene is your first task. Cracking open a can of Carling and mounting your girlfriend like she’s Red Rum is not conducive to romance. Lighting scented candles, placing a sheet on the floor and putting on her favourite CD is. A few pointers first. One part of your skin should always be touching hers. Never ever apply pressure directly on to the spine or neck, you are not a chiropractor and will break her back. Use massage oil but don’t grease up like a mechanic – you’re rubbing someone’s back not removing an engine – and try to keep your eyes shut. Unless you smell burning in which case you better hope you don’t open them to a re-imagining of The Towering Inferno starring you, your girlfriend and a rather guilty looking scented candle. Once the mood is set you can begin.
Finally, kiss her on the neck and remove your hands at the same time. If your arms are exhausted but your mind is relaxed you’ve done a good job and even the world’s greatest love potion, let alone Harry Potter himself, couldn’t make her heart favour anyone else but you. |
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The perfect fry-up If you’ve ever experienced the sweet taste of a perfect fry-up you can give yourself a pat on the back because you are one of the breakfast elite my friend. If you haven’t here’s the way to give yourself the treat of a lifetime. Set the oven to 200C. Roll three sausages in some oil, place them on a big baking tray next to a couple of frozen hash browns and put the tray in the oven. Slice some mushrooms, cut a tomato in half and cut two pieces of bread into halves. Fry some bacon in a little amount of oil in a big frying pan over a medium heat. Whilst this is cooking get a small saucepan, add a knob of butter and cook the mushrooms over a low heat. Put the tomato halves in with the bacon and wait for it all to cook. Remove and put aside. Dip the pieces of bread, one at a time, into the oil left over from the bacon. Fry all four bits on a medium heat and turn once one side is crispy. By this point the sausages and hash browns should be done so put the bacon and tomatoes onto the baking tray and move to the bottom shelf of the oven. Once the fried bread is done do the same and turn the oven off. Add some more oil to the frying pan and break two eggs into it, spooning oil onto the yokes every now and then. Finally, plate up the rest of the food, add the eggs on top of the bread, pour yourself a cuppa and relax. The elite await your arrival. |
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How to put a condom on in less than ten seconds There are somethings our mums can show us: how to iron a shirt, how to fill out a job application, how to put on a condom…could you imagine? This is one of those things you’re going to have to learn on your own. First of all remove the condom from the packet by tearing off one of the sides – don’t use your nails because you might rip it. Once removed hold the teat between your thumb and forefinger and make sure the rolled up part of the condom is on the outside. Next, get the old chap as hard as possible, strain if you have to, pull back your foreskin – if you have one of course – and still pinching the teat, so no air is trapped inside, slowly unroll the condom downwards. Don’t worry if some of the condom is still rolled up before it reaches the base just make sure it doesn’t roll back mid-shag. When you’re finished, grip the base of the condom, pull out, slide the condom off, tie a knot in it and pop it in the bin. One more thing: don’t reuse it; that’s just weird. |
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What to do if you cheat on your girlfriend Before Xbox’s and PS3’s, Wii’s and Mac’s Youth Clubs relied on a pool table and a pack of playing cards. After a game of killer and a few rounds of Shit-Head the obligatory hour long game of Cheat ensued. Strategically shuffling and bluffing your way to victory; getting caught was half of the fun. It didn’t matter. You’d be dealt in next hand no matter what the crime. But cheating on a girl isn’t like cheating in a game. There are consequences and questions and very few answers. Even if your girlfriend wakes you up each morning with a hot iron to the groin there really is no excuse for sharing your bed, let alone your heart, with another woman. However, fluttering eyelids and skimpy dresses are not easy to ignore, especially if your girlfriend makes you feel as loved as a series one Skoda. Cheating can often be a form of self-ascertain. A way of saying to your girlfriend: ‘Look. Someone else finds me attractive, even if you don’t.’ Low self-esteem and emasculation are the main culprits when temptation becomes inflation, as it were. A good old fashioned talk might smooth out the creases in your heart but be warned, a single kiss is not enough to start the fire but it’s all that’s needed to put one out. Mistakes on the other hand don’t need to be expressed. If you know why you did it and you know it isn’t going to happen again then don’t drag your girlfriend through the mire to please your own demons. Deal with them yourself. If it becomes a regular thing do the descent thing and call an end to the relationship; you’re not only denying yourself a decent love life but your partner as well. Sometimes cheating can be a blessing in disguise. It can spark reconciliation and strengthen the foundations of your relationship. Other times it can bring resentment and distrust and break the bond beyond repair. Drink, anger and loneliness don’t buy forgiveness. Love is not a game. So the next time you think about calling for another card, have a look at your hand because you may never be dealt one so good ever again. |
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How to act when you’re in a posh restaurant for the first time Eating together has always been important to society. The word companion comes from Latin. ‘Com’ means ‘with’ or ‘together’ and ‘Panis’ means ‘food’ or ‘bread.’ So we have always correlated eating with togetherness and companionship, a time to share ideas and thoughts. So, get judged on your personality, not your manners. A good way of not looking out of place is to take an elongated sip of water at the start of each phase of the meal and watch someone else. Peeling prawns or supping soup is a lot easier to do when you’ve had your own private demonstration. In certain company be careful of conversation. Don’t get too involved or heated, so watch your drink, wait for the host to tuck in before you do and never answer your mobile phone. If you pour yourself a glass of water or wine, offer those within your reach some and pour it twisting the bottle up and away when the glass is half full. Swallow your food before drinking and hold your wine glass at the stem. Use the cutlery from the outside in. Your dessert fork and spoon can be found at the top of your place mat. Once an item of cutlery has been used it should not touch the table. If you leave your place, rest your knife at 4’o’clock, blade facing in, and your fork at 8’o’clock. Your bread is on your left and your glass is on your right. Tear your bread don’t cut it and transfer butter onto your bread plate not directly from dish to dough. Your napkin will be within your set square so don’t pinch your neighbours – they are not always good friends. Place it on your lap and at the end of the meal don’t crumble it up and put it in the plate, fold it loosely and place it back onto the table. Sit up straight and bring the fork to your mouth not your mouth to the fork. Don’t push your plate away when you’ve finished and always use the fork with the prongs facing down, even when eating peas. Don’t scoop them; push them against the end of the fork with your knife, squashing them to a swift metallic death. Mind your manners and make the Latin speaking undead proud. |
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Blagger’s guide to pornstars America’s porn industry earns the state an estimated $14 billion each year. That’s $5000 every two minutes. Or in other words £2500 per wank. Who says you can’t put a price on single life? However, going blind is the least of your worries when you’re bankrupt so here’s a guide to the factions of pornography to ensure you get what you pay for.
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How to organise a stag do like the best best man in history Bells chime in the background, glorious sunshine filters through the Church’s arching doorway as you walk the aisle sharing nods and checking your pockets for the ring. Your clammy hands search your waistcoat, your fingertips pre-empting the warm halo of silver imprinted against your chest. Shit. You’ve left it on the bed stand. Best man becomes worst man. Here’s how to nail the stag do at least. Draw up a list with the groom. Set a budget and make sure everyone can afford it well in advance. Consider age, travel implications, convenience, accessibility, style, finance, calendar, transport, dress codes and paperwork. Choose a location and co-ordinate flights if you need to. You need you to have activities prepared for the day because drinking for twenty-four-hours straight will result in liver disease; not the best send off for your best mate. In the evening, organise a meal and get on the guest list for a nightclub. Many don’t accept stag do’s so ring ahead and check and if you’re going to turn up dressed as Vicars and Nuns make sure the staff know what to expect and don’t turn you away mistaking you for the inebriated Christian Convention party they had in the week before. Secure accommodation and don’t arrive drunk to the activity park or the hotel because if you do you won’t be allowed in and it might be you they tie to a lamppost naked not the groom-to-be. |
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Blagger's guide to writing a girl a poem Cupid’s arrows don’t always hit their targets. Sometimes a little breeze tinkering or a swing in the seasons is required to pierce the skin of love. But poetry never misses. Poetry shoots straight to the heart. First, choose a style which matches one of your key characteristics. Sentimental. Cheeky. Charming. Erotic. Next, think about what you want to say and how you’re going to say it. For example, you might want to compliment her good looks. The poem should be simple and short. Two stanzas containing four lines each with the traditional ten syllables give or take one or two, makes your message compact and foolproof. As does using rhyming couplets. Here are a couple of examples. Sentimental You have pink cheeks like the first rose in bloom, Cheeky It’s as fun as a kid’s bouncy castle, Subtlety is the best policy when handing over this rather sticky slice of love. Think handwritten note placed under the pillow not ancient papyrus wrapped around a unicorn horn. Love is not a small thing but it’s often the small things which lead us to love. |
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How to place a bet at the bookies With a phalanx of TV screens and a draft doffing everybody’s cap, shuffling into a betting shop is like stepping onto the set of Life on Mars. Here’s how to become one of the punters by the time the door swings shut. Pick up a slip and look at the screens. All the information you need is shown on them from events to odds. The betting odds represent the probability of the outcome of the event if the event was repeated over and over. Write in your stake. For example, £3. Your selection, Wild Hunt. The time, 3.15. And finally the place, Ascot. Once you’ve filled in your slip take it to the person behind the counter. Your details will be processed and you will be given a receipt. Make sure you say ‘I’ll take the price please’ as this will guarantee you receive the odds on your slip. Always take the current price as the odds normally shorten throughout the day. They will confirm this by writing it on the slip. Now all you have to do is wait for your fortune to come in and book a flight to Las Vegas. |
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How to survive your first night of poker If you’re not careful the first night you play poker can turn into one long, prolonged, wave goodbye to your weeks wages. However, there are certain ways you can reduce the amount you lose and possibly even take home someone else’s salary. First of all, watch the other players. Note what hands they win with and what hands they fold on. Secondly, play a couple of hands yourself, but only bet small amounts of money. Yes, it sounds boring and reserved – and that's because it is – but it won’t result in you having to tell your dad his Lexus is now owned by Joey ‘Four Fingers’ Capone. Thirdly, use your circumstances to your advantage. It’s your first night at the table so people will call you when you bet, but eventually you’ll be dealt a good hand. When this happens play aggressively and if you’re certain you’re on a winner don’t be afraid to bully the other players with big bets. Fourth tip, don’t try and bluff more than one player at a time because you’re more likely to get caught out and bluffing rarely works anyway. Last, but not least, if you know someone’s got a better hand just fold. It’s the person with the most money, not the biggest ego, who goes home happy. |
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How to hold a baby like a mother of three At family functions up and down the country there’s always an exhausted mum who needs a helping hand. Here’s how to step into the breach of holding a baby. Hold your palms flat and, in a soft scooping motion, place one under the baby’s bum, cupping gently, and the other underneath the neck and head. From birth to three months a baby has incredibly weak neck muscles so the neck needs to be supported at all times. If you don’t the baby’s head could lull back and damage the spine. Having a boiling cup of tea spilt over your lap, watching the greatest goal ever, even getting hit by a truck, doesn’t excuse you not supporting that head. Once lifted up, and after a little practice and confidence, their neck will eventually snuggle into the crook of your elbow, with their body stretched out on the line of your arm as both hands meet underneath giving level support. When the baby gets beyond three months the head will be stronger and they will want to have a look around. Lifting them up over your shoulder, not a fireman’s lift, is easy just support the baby's bum with one hand and use the other, placed flat with your fingers pointing towards the sky, to support the upper back and neck. Lift them up so their chin is level with the top of your arm and as you walk around they’ll nose about or rest in the hollow of your shoulder. One of the most important things to remember when handling a new born is that the bones on the top of their head, called the fontanelle and predominantly located near the forehead, stay soft to enable the birth. They harden after nine months to two years so until they’ve shuffled up the mortal coil a bit more be wary of their little heads. Next up, nappy changing... |
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Lap dance etiquette When entering a lap dancing club try and admire the décor because if you don’t follow these rules you won’t have time to take in the wallpaper traveling past it at 100mph. First things first, say hello to the bouncers. They’re not going to be your best friend but being polite now might buy you a few ribs later on. Once inside the girls will be all over you but take your time and relax; you’re not in Willy Wonker’s Chocolate Factory. Talk to the girls, don’t treat them like their worthless because they’re just doing a job and remember they’re exploiting you not the other way round. You can even buy them a drink and have a chat before having a dance. Costs vary from £15-20 per dance; most girls have a set price so clarify this before you’re ready for lift off. Private rooms are available but most opt for a booth with a curtain. Once the show begins, sit on your hands so temptation doesn’t get the better of you. Unless you want to look like Ronald McDonald with the entire human race’s worst case of hives never, ever ever ever, preposition, touch, or attempt to touch, a lap dancer. One final warning, don’t get infatuated with one of the girls and borrow loads of money from your mates – they don’t love you and they will go home to be bedded by someone with a penis the size of Oxford’s horticultural champion’s prize marrow. |
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How to surf like an Echo Beach extra The ancient art of surfing can be documented all the way back to the 1700s when it was recorded in one of Captain Cook’s crew members’ journal on a visit to the Polynesian islands. Tribal chiefs were renowned as the king of the waves and therefore had the best board comprised of the best tree. Here’s how to follow in their footsteps. On your first day as a surfer the waves should be no higher than four feet – check on a website or Ceefax for local beach stats. With your wetsuit on stride out into the big blue floating your surf board by your side, not out in front of you like a shield or you risk getting a mouthful of fiberglass, with the point breaking the waves. Once you are out at a comfortable depth and not in anyone else’s path place your board at your side with you and the nose facing the beach. Wait for a wave to roll toward you and when it comes within touching distance push your board forward and jump on at the same time. Immediately begin to paddle with gliding rather than pulling arm movements. You will feel the surge of the tide under you and as the breaking wave froths and turns white your speed will increase. This is when you deploy the pop-up; the surfer’s signature move. However, there are two things to address before pursuing this highly skilled manoeuvre. Balance. While lying your body weight needs to be along the centre of the board. Your feet should be raised and separated slightly off the end and the nose should be two inches off the water and should never dip under. Feet positioning. If you would skid more comfortably on ice with your left foot forward you are what is called a Natural Footed Surfer. With your right you get the unlucky title of the Goofy Footed. This is the stance you will take once you execute the pop-up, from paddling to standing in a nana-second. Start by doing a press up; as your arms straighten out bring your legs up under your body and plant one foot forward and the other back, shoulder-width apart, crouching slightly with your arms out for balance. The pop-up takes hours to perfect-ermundo and takes the concentration of a chess champion and the athleticism of an Olympian, not to mention the tribal backing of a Hawaiian chief. |
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How to build a camp fire like a Boy Scout If you’ve never had the sensation of biting into a half-cooked, half-raw sausage you’ve never lived. Or, at least, nearly died of food poisoning. If clicking crickets, twinkling stars, half forgotten stories and out of tune songs are the ornaments of our beginning. Building a campfire is the epitaph of our past. Pay your respects and follow these rules. Choose an area with no overhanging branches and shielded from the wind. Next, forage for wood. Avoiding green or wet you need to collect:
Now it’s time to build. Grab a handful of tinder and ball it together at the centre of your chosen area. Place some kindling on top in the form of a tepee, or pyramid, making sure to leave gaps for the fire to breathe. Next, place four kindling sticks in a square around the tepee followed by five or six sticks on top of these four; creating a miniature wooden fence. Place two pieces of fuel on opposite sides and build a partial roof propping up the sticks between the fire and the fuel with clumbs of tinder. Sit with the wind on your back and light the fire by poking a match through a gap. Light the tinder first and the flames should spread to the tepee, the fence and finally the larger pieces of wood on top. Long, slow blows from the depths of your lungs will keep the fire ignited as will adding the remnants of your forage. Let the sausage sizzle commence. |
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How to buy a suit without getting ripped off There will come a time when one of your mates gets married and when that time comes you don’t want to be the loser who turns up in Bermuda Shorts and a Hawaiian Shirt. You’ll need to wear a suit. But before you go out and buy one there are a couple of things you need to do. Firstly, set yourself a budget and secondly, measure your collar, chest, waist and leg length. When you’ve done that have a look in several shops and see what styles you like. When it comes to trying the suit on be wary of several things. The shoulders should hug yours; if you stand sideways against a wall your arms should touch the wall before the shoulder pads do. You should also be able to button up the suit without straining and there shouldn’t be too much space between buttons and chest; about a fist’s worth. As for the trousers, they should rest on the top of your shoes and you should be able to put your hands in your pockets with ease. Finally, lift your arms above your head. The suit shouldn’t ride up at the back and the cuffs should meet the palm of your hand when you curl your fingers back. One extra tip: buy a spare pair of trousers; the jacket always outlives the trousers, and the last thing you want is to wear a jacket and jeans – unless you want to look like your dad. |
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Late and great gift ideas for girlfriends Her birthday is one week away and you still don’t know what to get the love of your life. Well, if you want to avoid a swift kick to the testicles you better act fast. Ask yourself this question – ‘How long have we been together?’ If you’ve only just started going out, play it safe. Be flirtatious and fun. A ‘Stay over Kit’ with pyjamas, toiletries and her favourite CD is a good start or a manicure pack including moisturiser, soap, scented candles and a massage from you – yes, you! Cuddly toys, flowers and chocolates are a last resort, but if the presentation’s right she won’t care how little you’ve spent. The same can’t be said if you’ve been together for over a year. She’s going to want to see the thought and finance you’ve put into the gift. A nice piece of jewellery isn’t enough on its own so combine it with her birthstone or a matching broach. A night in a hotel will put a smile on her face – and yours – and framed art and perfume is always a winner as well. One last word of warning: avoid clothes. Unless you want to spend the next year repeating the words: ‘But darling, I don’t think you’re fat.’ |
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What are the implications of getting a police caution Throwing plant pots at parked cars or smoking a spliff on the pavement might seem like fairly harmless actions at the time but what are the consequences if you get caught by the rozzers? Firstly, you’ll be treated differently depending on your age bracket. 16-17 year olds go on a youth scheme; they can’t actually get a caution. This three tear scheme however, still goes on record and includes: a reprimand – strike one. A warning – strike two. A final warning – strike three, you’re outta there. Offend again and you’re dealt with as an adult, albeit in a youth court, and could be sent to a youth jail. For older people the punishment depends on a number of factors but if the crime involves doing damage which can be paid you’ll probably get a fixed penalty ticket of up to £200; you must have a valid address, be able to pay it and be over 18 to be eligible. Crimes which don’t involve harm to other people or intent to harm – carrying weed for personal use, crank phone calls or drunk and disorderly behaviour – will probably result in a caution; as long as you admit to it. Sometimes conditional cautions are issued whereby you must agree to the conditions – paying money for damage etc. There is no limit on how many cautions you can get but ultimately whether you are charged and taken to court depends on the discretion of the PCCR, pre-charge case reviewer, officers who use a points system to indicate what tear of punishment you should receive. This points system takes into account: the crime; your offending history – whether you’re known to the police or a re-offender, the severity of the crime and the level of recklessness and remorse in your actions. Getting a caution is the equivalent of a firm slap on the wrist. However, you are known to the police and your DNA and fingerprints are on the national database. A caution also goes on your CV and must be declared for background checks for universities, jobs etc. Most employers will not want the hassle of ensuring you’re a trustworthy person and will just hire someone else that hasn’t got a criminal record; for example, if you’ve been given a caution for shoplifting Tesco probably aren’t going to welcome you with open arms. If your caution is drug related you go on the police system as a recorded drug user and anytime you are taken into a police station you will be given a strip search – unless of course you’re dropping in to report a crime or help in their inquiries. After all, they’re not that keen to see you naked. |
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How to rock out on guitar Growing your hair long, wearing a silver earring like an extra from Pirates of the Caribbean and jumping up and down strumming an air guitar is a sight many mums have spilt tea over. Here’s how to play the mega-classic intro riff to Smoke on the Water so that you never lose a brew ever again.
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How to avoid paying your TV license until the last minute Living with an elderly relative has its advantages: a seemingly intravenous supply of tea, a Christmas selection of biscuits all year round and a great foundation for TV viewing. But if sipping a glass of water only to feel the unfamiliar clash of denture on teeth isn’t your colostomy bag, fear not. For the paying of the TV license can be delayed if only for two months, or three letters in bureaucratic speak. Not responding to their mail won’t result in an assassination attempt. The letters are computer generated not electrically tagged. Don’t argue with the officer when they come to your door or ring you. Just say you don’t have a TV and don’t plan to get one. Don’t confirm your name or sign anything and, just like a vampire, never invite them in. They have no legal right to enter your home nor to force you to answer their questions so if they say they do, which they will, they are lying. Make sure they can’t see the TV through the windows. Trevor McDonald echoing out the letterbox can’t be palmed off with a nod and a knowing ‘he’s a friend of the family’ even if he is. Prosecution results from confessing or letting them in your house, so be wary of anyone doing an ‘appliances’ survey. The TV detector van doesn’t hold up in court anymore than the Tardis would and a magistrate will only order a search warrant if they have evidence so don’t give them any. Putting off paying for a couple of months doesn’t hurt anyone but, beware, the TV licensing fairy is a cunning one and will find a way in eventually. Even if it is through the keyhole, Lloyd Grossman style. |
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How to get away with staring at other women Love’s puritans and fundamentalists believe in wearing blinkers in a relationship but we’re designed to find the beauty in life attractive and besides your missus will be doing a little window shopping of her own. Just don’t confuse looking for doing; there are somethings you can’t return once you’ve left the shop. Girl-scope up. Be sneaky. Use short sharp glances rather than long wide-eyed stares. This is the technique girl’s use to register facts about a man's body – a ring on his finger, fashion sense, hair length etc. Get in touch with your feminine side and practice glancing. Be cunning. Comment on girls’ negative aspects and give your girlfriend the chance for a good old bitching session, giving you the chance to take a longer look. Girls in short skirts are an easy target. ‘She must be freezing’ translates into ‘what a fine pair of pins.’ Be devious. Point at things in shop windows and ask stupid questions: ‘Look at those jewel encrusted shoes darling. Are they by Aloe Voile?’ The ensuing diatribe on your fashion faux pas should cater for some covert, SAS perving through the shop window. But be warned, this can send her girlie sense tingling and if it ever reaches Def Con One you’ll be praying for the puritans to come and take you away. |
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How to pack a backpack for traveling super light Packing a parachute is a great way to prepare for striding the globe. However, if you can’t get your hands on a skydiver follow these simple rules to travel light. Don’t over pack. You’ll end up throwing away sentimental stuff or hating your own bag. There are shops outside of Britain so buy once you get there. Your bag will feel like it has been in an industrial tumble dryer after a day, it will get wet, get dirty, be crushed, stamped on and walked over so make sure everything inside is ready for the journey and won’t break on impact. iPods, phones and cameras are optional and should be protected with hard covering boxes made of metal. Take small toiletries bottles and fill them up as you go. Pad around the inside of your bag with your hand and feel for any gaps because even the smallest holes can be packed out with socks or boxer shorts. Pack from the least essential up so that the most important things are within reach after opening your pack. Write a packing list. Wearing layers means you don’t have to pack massive wooly jumpers the size of the sheep it came off. Roll your t-shirts up rather than fold them. Take inflatable hangers or a travel clothesline, flashlight or penlight, blister protectors, battery radio and survival bag. Pack things inside your shoes and always leave wearing the bulkiest pair. Traveling light means you can take your backpack as hand luggage on airplanes, hop on public transport at a whim and shop around for the cheapest hostels. So, keep it tight and travel light. |
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How to sell all of your old toys on eBay Grab your He-Man, Thundercat or Space Hopper, give them a good clean and a kiss on the cheek and prepare them for their big send off. Avoid their eyes. They’re never going to forgive you for this; all those years of joy sold for £5 plus postage and packaging.
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How to tie the perfect Windsor knot From the 1980s fabric doorstop, the kipper, to the compass pricked slim tongue of the 90s all the way to the modern day miniscule cravat. The journey of the school tie has been one of regression and rectitude. But beyond the sanctuary of the playground and into the wider tie wary world the rules change. The bigger the knot, the bigger the impact. Step up, the Windsor knot. The obese knot of the tie world, this wide and triangular knot is worn by most respectable men. Start by tying it in front of a mirror as this makes sure you get all the crossovers correct and don’t hang yourself like a politician caught in some kind of kinky sex act he couldn’t shake off since his Eton days. Next, lift the collar of your shirt up and place the tie around your neck. The fat end, F, should hang about twice the distance, 12 inches or so, below the thinner end, T. Cross F over T and then bring F up through the gap between the collar of your shirt and the tie as close to your neck as you can go without fainting. You’ve got to do this three times so don’t allow the knot to get fat from the off. Pull F back down, underneath T and to the right and back through the loop again to your right. By this point F will be inside out and the knot around your neck will be fairly fat. Bring F across the front to the left, pull it up through the loop and then back down through the outer part of the loop using a finger to widen the gap. Finally, tighten the knot carefully, adjust and straighten out. It should be tight to your neck, just below your Adam's apple and there should be what’s called a Vicious V where the tie leaves the knot. The fat part of the tie should hang about an inch above your belt buckle; two buttons up from your waist so if the thinner end hangs below try again with the fat end hanging lower down. In a professional setting ties say a lot about our character so resist the temptation to take a compass to it, just take your time and you’ll get it right. |
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How to get over a girl No man is immune to having his heart broken and a man is not a man if he hasn’t felt the pain of a love gone wrong – even Johnny Depp’s been dumped. However, there are certain things that can make the sense of loneliness go away, at least, for the time being. Hit the pub with some mates, don’t think ‘I wonder what she’s doing now’ and don’t drink and dial or stare at her photograph until the moonlit hours. Stay active and keep yourself busy. Take up every invitation offered. Even if you don’t want to go to your third cousins’ second child’s christening. Go. If you’re out of the house you’re not thinking about your ex. At some point, inevitably, you’ll contact each other. Although sex with the ex is often the best sex you’ll ever have don’t do it – okay just once if you have to but, if she is the dumper, accept the fact it probably means more to you than it does to her. Ultimately, the best way to get over someone is by not seeing them at all. This will feel weird to say the least, considering you’ve just spent pretty much everyday together, but it’s the first step to actually getting over her and excepting that she’s no longer a part of your life. Eventually, put all her stuff in a box and go over the relationship in your head. This is the hardest thing you’ll have to do and there will probably be a few tears involved, but once you’re clear on why the relationship ended you can start thinking about moving on. Whatever you do don’t do ‘the friends’ thing at least not until a good year has passed. Most important of all keep telling yourself you’re free and use that freedom wisely. |
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Blagger’s guide to newspapers You don’t have to wear slippers and smoke a pipe to read a newspaper, but you do have to wear a monocle. Putting 1930’s attire to one side reading a newspaper you trust and respect is like hearing the world’s news from a close friend. Below is a breakdown of the newspapers available in England today.
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How to change a tyre like an AA man Underworld. Nether World. Inferno. Abode of the Damned. Hell has many names yet one true definition. Stranded in a country lane that looks like the film set of Deliverance with a shrieking girlfriend, a punctured tyre and no idea how to change it. Know what you’re doing and the pandemonium will pass. Drive at no more than 5mph until you are at a lay-by or a side turning with a level surface. Pull on the handbrake and put the car into either first gear or reverse. If it's an auto, select 'park'. Remove the wheel cover, do this with the end of the jack handle. Position the jack as indicated in your owner’s handbook – this is important as the jack will pierce the car’s underside if it isn’t placed beneath a strengthened area. Then, without having jacked up the car and using the wheel brace, loosen the nuts on the wheel you intend to change by half a turn, but do not remove them. Turn counterclockwise to loosen and try to loosen the nuts equally. Start pumping the jack; keep going until the flat tyre lifts off the ground about 2 - 3 inches. Once the car body is raised sufficiently push the spare wheel under the body; this will act as a safety cushion should the car slip off the jack. Unscrew the nuts in diagonal pairs, remove and place together in the upturned hubcap. After having taken out the nuts, remove the wheel with your weight forward to prevent from falling backward. Fit the spare ensuring it is the correct way round. Fit wheel nuts in diagonal pairs and turn until finger-tight, don't tighten them all the way yet. Using the jack, lower the car until the tyre just kisses the road. Then, using the wheel brace, lightly tighten the wheel nuts. Remove the punctured wheel from under the car, finish lowering the vehicle and remove the jack. Finally, fully tighten the wheel nuts and get back |